Spiritual Abuse: Why the Church Needs to Talk About This Problem
This past year has been a tough one for church leaders. Apart from the pandemic that forced churches to shut down, there have been what felt like countless new stories of church leaders falling to sexual misconduct. From Bill Hybels to Carl Lentz to Ravi Zacharias, we’re uncovering sexual abuse taking place in every Christian tribe. It was disheartening to read but it began a needed reckoning - and it all started through the stories told by their victims of sexual abuse.
What’s interesting though is that there are still stories of abuse being posted by Christians - but it’s a little different now. Instagram accounts like DoBetterChurch and Letters From Rahab are filled with personal stories recounting stories of emotional and sexual abuse. But there are also posts that focuses on an unfamiliar, lesser-known type of abusive behavior that often takes place in the church.
Spiritual abuse.
It’s unbelievable how often spiritual abuse takes place within the church and Christian organizations. But since it’s not really talked about - especially in Asian Christian circles - people don’t really recognize it or even see it as a problem. For this reason, I hope to write a couple of posts addressing why spiritual abuse takes place in the church and its unique struggle in Asian Christian contexts.
But before going there, let’s try to understand what spiritual abuse is and why it matters.
Understanding Spiritual Abuse
What exactly is spiritual abuse? I like how author Michael Krueger’s defines it when he writes,
Spiritual abuse…is when a spiritual leader - such as a pastor, elder, or head of a Christian organization - wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him, as a means of accomplishing what he takes to be a biblical and/or spiritual goal.
So spiritual abuse takes place when spiritual leaders use their authority to harm people under the guise of spiritual goals. This may happen in a staff meeting when a pastor berates his staff or in a private counseling session when a leader plays the God card (“God told me you can’t leave our church”). Maybe it’s nothing. But sometimes, something just feels off and even harmful in those moments, but you can’t really say anything because of the power dynamics. That’s when spiritual abuse may be taking place.
Now it’s important to know that it’s really difficult for people to realize that what they’re experiencing is spiritual abuse. According to Dr. Diana Langberg, the leaders who commit spiritual abuse are often gifted and well-respected by the congregation. Like a father, you naturally expect your spiritual leaders to protect you, not harm you. And it doesn’t help that spiritual abuse is often hidden under spiritual terms like “obedience” and “submission.” While obedience and submission are biblical, they can also be used for manipulation.
So when is spiritual abuse actually taking place? What counts as “spiritual abuse”? If a lead pastor loses his temper once during a staff meeting, is he being “spiritually abusive”? Or did he just forget to drink his morning coffee? Is he being manipulative and domineering, or is he just going through a rough season? It’s hard to know if you’re just tripping or if there’s something wrong taking place.
I think this where it’s helpful to see spiritual abuse not as a moment but as a pattern of abusive behavior. In other words, you can suspect spiritual abuse is taking place when there are multiple people who also experience a leader’s authority in a manipulating or domineering way. This doesn’t discount the individual abusive moments, but it brings clarity on whether or not to categorize those moments as “bad days” or “abusive behavior.”
The Consequences of Spiritual Abuse
Why is it important for churches to address spiritual abuse? Well, there’s a couple of reasons.
First, people who experience spiritual abuse will likely not have the ability to voice their abuse. That’s what makes it “abuse” as opposed to just “conflict.” When a peer hurts you, you have the power to say something about it. That’s conflict. But when a leader hurts you, you don’t really have the same amount of power to say anything. That’s what makes it abuse. Therefore spiritual abuse will often take place between a pastor and church member or a lead pastor and staff member because the power dynamics make it difficult for a person to say anything.
Second, spiritual abuse carries unique spiritual consequences. Just as sexual abuse will often cause people to struggle with their sexual lives moving forward, spiritual abuse will often cause Christians to struggle with their spiritual lives moving forward. Just as sexual assault victims often struggle to ever see sex as a beautiful, unifying act, Christians who experience spiritual abuse often struggle to ever see the church as a beautiful, loving community. That’s why so many people who experience spiritual abuse don’t necessarily fall away from the faith - they rather fall away from the church.
Lastly though, spiritual abuse goes against everything that the church is supposed to represent. I’m sure some people might read stories of abuse in the church and think, “What’s the big deal? I go through the same stuff at work.” But that’s exactly the point! While the world is fallen and broken by sin, the church is supposed to be a city on a hill where the broken and heavy-laden can find rest. As one account put it, this is why it’s heartbreaking to know that these stories of abuse come “not out of any secular institution or business, but out of the very place God has instituted safety, healing, and security.”
What Should Churches Do With Spiritual Abuse?
So what can people do if there’s spiritual abuse taking place in their church? I’m not really sure because every situation is different. However, if I were to make some general suggestions, here are some thoughts on how churches can approach spiritual abuse:
1. Believe the Victim’s Stories
One thing that I think needs to change is allowing the benefit of the doubt to go both ways. Naturally when people hear a charge of abuse against their pastor, they will give their pastor the benefit of the doubt. “No way he’d do that…I know him…there’s two sides to every story.”
But why can’t the benefit of the doubt also be given to the victim? Just as sexual assault cases are rarely fabricated, I can’t help but think abuse cases are rarely unfounded. In fact, quite the opposite. There’s often so much shame from being a victim of abuse that stories are likely underreported. This doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be due process; this doesn’t mean there’s no chance of false accusations.
But when it comes to spiritual abuse, we are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. And the only way we’ll see the full picture is if we make it safe for people to share their stories.
2. Local Church Pastors Need to Speak Out
One thing that I’m convinced needs to happen more is to not let churches fend for themselves. Instead, pastors in other local churches need to get involved and speak up against this stuff. As mentioned above, victims often don’t have a voice to speak. Many of them are stuck in a “system” where their abuser is powerful and they’re powerless. But this is where I think one way to challenge this system is if those who have capitol (pastors) use that capitol to empower those who feel powerless.
Back in 2014 when crazy stories were leaking about Mars Hill Church, it seemed like a he said/she said situation. But what changed everything was when Paul Tripp and the Acts 29 board wrote a public statement that spoke out against Mark Driscoll’s behavior. It almost gave a sense of legitimacy to those speaking against the abusive culture of Mars Hill Church. While it’s tricky for outside voices to speak into a church, I think this is something local church pastors need to do in situations where the “system” is broken.
3. Don’t Give Up On the Church
I know this can come off as super-insensitive for anybody who’s experienced spiritual abuse in the church. Why stay or return to an institution that caused you so much harm? As someone who has personally witnessed and experienced spiritual abuse, I completely get it. But despite the pain, I’d hope victims of spiritual abuse would not give up on the church yet.
Imagine if someone experienced an abusive marriage. By all means, that person should leave that marriage. But should he/she give up on marriage altogether? While this may be an understandable conclusion, I’d hope that person could receive healing, meet someone later, and marry again so they could experience what a true marriage is supposed to look like.
Similarly, I completely understand why those who were abused by their church would leave their churches; but I also hope they wouldn’t give up on the church. Instead I hope they could receive healing, find a healthy church, and experience what God’s church is supposed to look like. Even more so, I’d hope they can even be the means God uses to help spiritual abuse victims find their voice.
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